Vivre sous le même toit, partir du bon pied

Ensemble depuis quelques mois ou quelques années, beaucoup de couples finissent par passer le cap : vivre sous le même toit. Mais une fois passée la joie des premiers jours, la désillusion pointe le bout de son nez. Comment éviter ce désenchantement ?

Vie saine et zen - Vivre sous le même toit, partir du bon pied

Vivre à deux n’est pas une étape anodine. Elle peut consolider le couple mais également le mettre en péril.
S’il n’y a pas de recette miracle, quelques règles simples peuvent réduire les tensions et prolonger l’idylle. Prêts pour le grand saut ? 

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Les 4 piliers du couple

Selon Frédéric Fanget, le couple se fonde sur plusieurs piliers.

- L’engagement
Il est nécessaire de se projeter avec son partenaire pour avancer ensemble et franchir les difficultés qui surgiront au fil du temps.

- La communication
Elle doit être de qualité. Il faut à la fois exprimer à l’autre ce que l’on ressent, d’une bonne façon, et être attentif à ce qu’il a à dire.

- Partager des valeurs communes
C'est également indispensable. Toutefois, quelques-unes peuvent être différentes, mais jamais opposées.

- Sexualité
Enfin, le couple doit partager une sexualité qui épanouit les deux amants.

On franchit le cap ? Oui, mais après réflexion
Certains attendent des années, d’autres comme Lauranne prennent la décision après quelques mois de relation. Elle habite avec Laurent depuis 2 ans et ne regrette rien.

Frédéric Fanget, psychiatre et psychothérapeute, émet toutefois une réserve avec ce type de choix. "Dans une relation passionnelle, on utilise le cerveau émotionnel. Or, c’est au cerveau cortical, celui de la réflexion, de s’exprimer lorsqu’il est question de vivre ensemble."

Grégory l’a expérimenté. Résultat : 18 mois de cohabitation et une rupture à la clé. "Au début, la relation évolue beaucoup. Avant de vivre sous le même toit, les sentiments doivent se stabiliser, ajoute le jeune homme, et on doit bien connaître l’autre." Pour éviter les mauvaises surprises, il conseille de tester la vie à deux quelques jours, dans un cadre représentatif du quotidien, avant de franchir le cap.

Toi + Moi = Nous, mais pas trop
Première règle, ne jamais s'installer dans l'appartement de l'autre, le terrain de notre idylle doit être neutre.
Ensuite, on organise la vie à deux, selon les désirs et la personnalité de chacun.
Dans un appartement, "on ne peut pas rester collés, constate Lauranne. Chacun a ses activités. Laurent a même un espace dédié à son univers manga et jeux vidéo".

Pour que le couple soit heureux et durable, Frédéric Fanget préconise "la règle du 1 + 1 = 3. Chacun existe de son côté, et ensemble on crée une troisième entité, le couple."

L’art de la négociation et du compromis
Pour autant, la cohabitation n’est pas tous les jours facile. "Tout est affaire de négociation et de compromis, explique Ben, même pour choisir le programme télé !" La communication permet de trouver un terrain d’entente.

Frédéric Fanget cite un exemple : "Mon partenaire veut absolument du parquet dans l’appartement alors que je déteste ça ? Je dois comprendre son désir profond. S’il explique que c’est chaleureux, je peux proposer d’autres sources de chaleur : un tapis de couleur."

Partager ses émotions et exprimer ses besoins
"Les femmes ne verbalisent pas toujours leurs émotions, constate Ben. Mélanie parlait beaucoup, mais elle ne disait jamais ce dont elle avait besoin. Elle voulait juste sentir que j’étais heureux de vivre avec elle. Dès que j'ai réussi à le lui faire comprendre par mon comportement, notre relation a évolué."

Ménage et argent : les pommes de la discorde
Nombre de disputes tournent autour des tâches ménagères et de l’argent.
Grégory en a fait les frais. "Mon ancienne copine était une angoissée du ménage et elle me communiquait son stress, c’était invivable."
Dès le départ, Lauranne a posé des règles. "On a reparti les tâches : Laurent s’occupe de l’entretien quotidien et moi je fais le grand ménage le samedi".
Une bonne idée, puisque "le couple fonctionne sur la différence" souligne Robert Neuburger, psychiatre et thérapeute. Pour la question des finances, il constate que "les jeunes créent souvent un compte commun tout en gérant leur propre compte."
Ben a fait ce choix. "Mélanie ne s’en souciait pas trop, et ça pouvait créer des discordes. Aujourd’hui je m’occupe seul de la gestion de notre compte joint et il n’y a plus de tensions."

Combattre la routine
"Le couple demeure une institution fragile, souligne Robert Neuburger. Des rituels renforcent le couple car ils créent une intimité. Mais attention à la routine !"
Elle provient "de l’ennui, de l’enfermement sur soi et donc de l’oubli de l’autre", précise Frédéric Fanget.
Ben et Mélanie l’ont bien compris et font des projets en permanence. "Déménager ou prévoir des vacances, même si ça n’aboutit pas, ça nous fait avancer."

Habiter ensemble nécessite de nombreux efforts. C’est pourquoi de plus en plus de couples préfèrent vivre séparément.
Mais si l’on se sent prêt, alors il faut foncer : après tout, la décision n’est jamais irréversible. Et qui sait ? Ça pourrait fonctionner !…

 

Sources :
Oser la vie à deux, de Frédéric Fanget, psychiatre et psychothérapeute, éditions Odile Jacob
On arrête ?...On continue ? Faire son bilan de couple, de Robert Neuburger, psychiatre et thérapeute du couple et de la famille, éditions Payot

47,7 %

des plus de 15 ans
vivent en couple

 


8 %

des couples âgés de 18 à 79 ans
choisissent de vivre séparément

 


91 %

plus de risques de divorcer
quand la femme est au foyer
et que l’homme participe peu aux tâches ménagères





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